The Smooth 16 / Round 3 - Day 1 - 2014 May Mayhem Tournament of Champions

Welcome to the first day of the Smooth 16 round of the 2014 May Mayhem Tournament of Champions!  Last week, our field of Thrilled 32 got cut in half to form the pool of the Smooth 16 that will be featured this week.  Come Friday evening, though, these Smooth 16 will be reduced to the Enduring 8, who continue on their quest to be crowned the 2014 Champion of Champions!!

But first, to honor America....multi-platinum-selling artist.... Taylor Swift:




And now, a quick invitation to a fun happy hour before getting to the Tournament...

As you may (or may not) know, the U has been actively campaigning to get graduates of the last decade (GOLDs) more vibrantly involved with the University that we, Pilots, all hold near and dear.  That said, you may (or may not) know that the goal of getting 601 new GOLDs to make gifts to the U was not just met and surpassed....but absolutely crushed. It wasn't even close.

Ergo, a new challenge has been issued by UP alumnus and regent, Rick Baek, that, until the end of June, for every new GOLD who makes a gift to the University -- of any size -- will be matched by an additional $100 donation.  I will be making a gift to the University -- my first ever -- because, right now, even my meager gift of $20 is really worth $120 towards the programs, departments, and opportunities that all contributed to creating the friendships that we have and the people that we are today.

Furthermore, if the 2014 Champion of Champions comes out of the Portland Regions, I have secured a regal tribute to the Champion of Champions at the exclusive GOLD Happy Hour at the Spirit of 77 on Thursday, June 5!! (5pm-7pm)  Think of it like a trophy parade, of sorts.  I may even make a trophy.  #WhyNot

And, with that said, I hope to see you out there in a couple of weeks.  

A reminder that advancement to the Enduring 8 comes down to one's response to the following:

"_______ : The Most Annoying Thing(s) Ever."

First up, the Portland Men's Semi-Final match-up between 5) John Herboth & the ultimate Tournament dark horse, 16) Stephen Cannon.

Getting the first Portland Men's Semi-Final underway -- you know him, you like him, the one and only "Hookah" John Herboth, and his response:

"Having to go to work after the weekend.  I hate that."

Good, I don't like that, either.  That is pretty annoying for a lot of reasons, I agree.  For one, unless you are crazy about your job or it defines you, why the excitement to get up on Monday morning? (Or whatever morning starts your week.)  Actually, now that I think about it, those people who love their job kind of annoy me.  The folks that say things like "if you love your job, then you'll never work a day in your life".  That annoys me.  I should clarify: the people and their happiness doesn't annoy me.... well, kind of.... but, rather, the constant reminder of said happiness is what is annoying.  Granted, 74% of all statistics are made up on the spot, but I'm pretty sure that 85% of people who work are unhappy with their job -- so if you're one of the 15% that love it, awesome, but please don't rub it in.  Well-played, John.

Can Stephen keep his miraculous run going?? His response:

The actual most annoying thing in the world: The denial (or blatant disregard) of environmental ills. There are only two that I will touch on here (because I have to turn in this in), but they are huge in my mind, due to the state of our planet as a whole. 

The first is overpopulation. This nearly brings me to tears to even write this, because I really like kids, but people need to stop having 12 kids. I don’t care if you have one or two, your basically just replacing yourself at that point, but seriously, [expletive] stop. Catholics and Mormons are some of the worst offenders (and I’m Catholic, so I can say this). 

Catholics, for instance, enter into marriage with the expectation that kids will be a part of the equation. Shut the [expletive] up. That’s ridiculous. So, you’re telling me, it’s God’s plan to overpopulate the planet, should I choose to get married in a Catholic church? [Expletive]. Mormons can be even worse. When I was growing up, we used to joke with some of my good friends that they were shitty Mormons because they only had three kids in the family, that’s [expletive] up. The really [expletive] up part, is that it was partially true. [Expletive] stop producing more humans, the planet can’t [expletive] take it. 

The second environmental ill that I’ll touch on, is people hating on nuclear power. This is mainly frustrating to me because I am a chemist and know that every argument against (that I’ve ever heard) is completely false and often baseless. What people could potentially argue is that with our current system (government officials and power companies running oversight) humans can’t handle nuclear power, but that even is a bit silly. 

Nuclear power is (currently) by far the most efficient form of energy in the world. And that is not an overstatement. With modern techniques, it should and can be almost completely harmless to everything (other than the poor uranium or thorium that is often used to power the reactors). Events like Three Mile Island, and Chernobyl and even Fukushima have less to do with failures in the technology, much more to do with failures in implementation. In the US, we haven’t even built any new reactors in damn near 20 years. Of course those are going to be shitty. Then you’re arguing infrastructure, not facts about nuclear energy. 

This is all I can really say for now, because I have to send this right now.

 Well-played, good sir.  And, to think, that this was just the tip of the greater, 2,400-word response, haha.  This is also something that annoys me on a lot of levels.  My parents joke that now I'm a hippy now because I was surprised/appalled that, the last time I was in Albuquerque and at an Isotopes* game, that they still used styrofoam cups at the stadium.... STYROFOAM.... probably a few thousand people, with thus a few thousand styrofoam cups, going straight into a landfill somewhere.  It annoyed me, for sure. 

*Yes, Albuquerque has a minor league baseball team, and, yes, they are named the Albuquerque Isotopes, and, yes, they are named after "The Simpsons" episode where the owner of the Springfield Isotopes threatens to move the team to Albuquerque...and, yes, the old people of town were infuriated that the team name had a connection to "The Simpsons". 

And it also annoys me that we are not pursuing the power of nuclear energy.  Sure, when things have gone wrong with nuclear energy, they have gone really wrong...but how often has that happened? A handful of times? After the first plane crashed or the first rocket failed, did we just give up? Of course not!! However, the oil industry is a lucrative one, and, really, our politics just comes down to money -- and that annoys me.  Every time some sort of disaster happens with nuclear energy, it gets really out in the press as a way to scare people from it.  It annoys me.  Meanwhile, you have COUNTLESS animals and wildlife habits that get destroyed whenever a tanker spills or a drill breaks, and, guess what, that happens WAY MORE than any nuclear-related disaster. Nuclear energy is used to power HUGE battleships all over the world; a fraction of that energy would be able to power my 2005 Hyundai Sonata (Hyundai: the Official Automobile of Ryan Henley...getting some plugs in...) for DECADES.  I would never have to refuel it. EVER. But, oh no, let's just keep relying on oil reserves because it's not like they'll ever run out.  The thing that really annoys me, actually, when it comes to energy conservation, is the fact that once the energy reserves expire (whether it is in 10yrs, 50yrs, 100yrs, whatever) we are going to go to nuclear power ANY WAY!!!!! Why wait for it to run out when we have the means to get it going now????? Oh, because the money comes from the oil industry; that's why.

Stephen advances to the Enduring 8 -- and is now setting all sorts of records.  It'll be interesting to see who he is up against for the Portland Men's Championship next week and if he can become the first ever 16-seed to make the Famed Four!!!  I'm going to take a break, as should you, and we'll come back with, hopefully, a less intense match-up in the World Women's Semi-Final between 6) Janelle Johnson and 10) Cadence Powers.

Do you have the desire to be a good person and help kids who need your help, find a voice through the majesty of song? Yes? Oh, but you don't have the ability to make it to My Voice Music's Benefit Concert -- May 30th, 7pm, featuring some great local bands -- well, no worries!! There are other ways that you can help support My Voice Music in their mission to bring music to kids who otherwise may turn to more destructive activities and influences.  A few bucks can go a long way towards supplies, equipment, summer camps, and all of the great programs that My Voice Music  operates.  At the very least, it's a tax-deductible donation that also does ENORMOUS good in our local community.  Check them out if you want to be a difference-making ROCK STAR!!!!!

And now, to close out the first day of the Smooth 16 round of the 2014 May Mayhem Tournament of Champions, two of the loveliest women in all of Portland:  6) Janelle Johnson vs. 10) Cadence Powers.

First up, Janelle's response to "_______ : The Most Annoying Thing(s) Ever.".....

"Bad eaters.  Like messy and rude eaters."

Okay, I can dig it. I had to seek clarification as I wasn't sure what angle she was going with with "bad eaters", but, yeah, messy and/or rude eaters are very annoying.  You can't really take those people anywhere in public, without feeling bad for them....or yourself.  Rude people, in general, are just not good to be around; at the very least, they are going to make you feel awkward, if not outright offended.  So, yeah, that is really annoying.

Messy eaters can also be really annoying, I think, because it is unsettling.  Now, a big part of this is because of condiments -- pausing for your groans and grumbling -- Condiments are, easily, the most overrated element in the culinary arts.  Wildly unnecessary.  Condiments bring, if I had to guess, maybe 3% of whatever meal it is that you are enjoying.  No one ever says: "Wow, this mayo is amazing" or "Wait, no ketchup on the burger? No thanks". No! That doesn't happen!! Why?? Because you're not eating the condiments, you're eating the meal!!!

If anything, condiments actually RUIN the sandwich or meal because, like acid or something, it immediately puts a) a lifespan on the sandwich; or b) depreciates its overall value.  If you put mayo on a sandwich, well, hopefully you're hungry, because in a few hours, that mayo can now kill you.  Congratulations.  Oh? You put ketchup on your tots? Well, you're not taking that home now..... or to the Winnerhawks game *cough Kristin cough*..... because it's got globs of stain-able red dye all over them (at worst) and a cold substance that is now working its way to make the tots mushy and cold (at best)....which is disgusting.  Condiments are completely wasteful and, again, bring maybe 3% of an added bonus to whatever they are applied to.  Thus, completely unnecessary........and people get messy when eating them, which is very annoying -- as Janelle pointed out.

And, to conclude the day, Cadence's response......

"Glitter.  That stuff gets EVERY...WHERE." 

Valid. Same could be said about beach sand, too.  I'm kind of hesitant to pull my tent back out this year because I'm sure that I'm going to find more sand in there from the last 4th of July at the coast.  That stuff gets everywhere.

I can't say that I have been around glitter in a long time but one of my co-workers has a daughter that is in cheer (for like elementary school....) and they, apparently, keep the glitter industry alive and prosperous.  Glitter eye shadow, glitter lip balm, glitter in the hair, and, according to her, glitter on clothes, and in the car, and at home, and, really, anywhere that the girl sits, stands, or touches for any notable length of time.

That kind of reminds me of those silly "transmittable disease" demonstrations that I had to take as part of RA training in college, where -- unbeknownst to the greater group -- one or two people are "infected", and then you go around shaking hands, and then track the "spread" of the disease.  How that is proactive is beyond me.  Moral of the story: don't shake hands? Don't socialize with strangers? (I'm already covered, there) It's silly.  Now, if we had the option to wear gloves or something for these handshakes and opted not to, then, sure, lesson to be learned. Otherwise, though, it's really just a lesson on not trusting people.  Or, at least, that's what I walked away from it thinking.

Anyway, while glitter, I imagine, is really annoying because it's tiny and gets everywhere, AND near-impossible to clean because you can only see it when the light hits it perfectly, maybe Cadence is more familiar with it than I am.  She is more vogue and glamorous, so maybe she deals with the aforementioned glitter eye shadow and lip balms and thus has a more intimate disdain for them and the mess that they make?  Regardless, bad eaters wins this match-up and Janelle is going to the Enduring 8 round of the 2014 Tournament next week!

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Well, that will do it for the first day of the Smooth 16.  Some good topics and I am sure that they will pick up some steam as the week progresses. 

Oh, and if you'd like to read all of Stephen's epic rant (with expletives), stay tuned - later this week, there will be a bonus edition dedicated to it.  It is pretty good and worth the read -- if you are not easily offended.  If you are, no worries; the rest of the Tournament is right up your alley.

-Ryan.
Commissioner
May Mayhem Tournament of Champions